It's Cold Outside
by Uncle Charlie
Summary: Gru tries to explain to Bob the controversy around "Baby, It's Cold Outside." Written for the 12 Fics of Christmas 2019


Bob walked slowly down the twisted corridors of their lair. Above ground, life moved at a steady and fairly predictable rate. The sun came up, people went to work or school, and the ice cream truck came at 3:45. Bob paused to check his watch, then remembered and sighed heavily. It was winter. There was snow on the ground. Snow meant no ice cream, at least not at 3:45.

Then he felt the package hidden under the bib of his overalls and nothing else mattered. He had something so evil, so purely awful that… well, let's just say, it was be a good day to be a minion.

He glanced around, but the few minions not working were too busy hanging garland and lights in preparation for their annual Christmas party. And when Bob played this, they would hail him as the supremely miniony minion.

"_Coo tay_?" he asked his teddy. The teddy remained mute, but Bob could tell he was pleased. And pleased meant a celebration with cake and ice cream and bananas…

He shook his head to clear the thoughts even as his tummy gurgled. First, world domination, then afternoon tea. Bob headed for the rec room, the thought of those little cookies with the cream filling dancing happily in his head.

For a moment, Bob wondered if anyone would be there and try to share his glory, but no fear. He was quite alone. He hurried to the record player and took out his prize.

Turning the volume down, lest someone else could hear the pure evilness of the words, Bob leaned close to the machine. The music was upbeat and pleasant and Bob frowned. He'd expected a bit more from Evil.

_I really can't stay (but baby, it's cold outside)  
I've got to go away (but baby, it's cold outside)_

_This evening has been (been hoping that you'd drop in)  
So very nice (I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice)_

_My mother will start to worry (beautiful what's your hurry?)  
My father will be pacing the floor (listen to the fireplace roar)_

_So really I'd better scurry (beautiful please don't hurry)  
But maybe just a half a drink more (put some records on while I pour)_

_The neighbors might think (baby, it's bad out there)  
Say what's in this drink? (no cabs to be had out there)_

_I wish I knew how (your eyes are like starlight now)  
To break this spell (I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell)_

_I ought to say, no, no, no sir (mind if I move in closer?)  
At least… _

_I ought to say, no, no, no sir (mind if I move in closer?)  
At least I'm gonna say that I tried (what's the sense in hurting' my pride?)_

_I really can't stay (oh baby don't hold out)  
But baby, it's cold outside_

_I simply must go (but baby, it's cold outside)  
The answer is no (but baby, it's cold outside)_

_Your welcome has been (how lucky that you dropped in)  
So nice and warm (look out the window at this dawn)_

_My sister will be suspicious (gosh your lips look delicious)  
My brother will be there at the door (waves upon the tropical shore)_

_My maiden aunts mind is vicious (gosh your lips are delicious)  
But maybe just a cigarette more (never such a blizzard before)_

_I've gotta get home (but baby, you'd freeze out there)  
Say lend me a coat(it's up to your knees out there)_

_You've really been grand (i thrill when you touch my hand)  
But don't you see? (how can you do this thing to me?)_

_There's bound to be talk tomorrow (think of my lifelong sorrow)  
At least there will be plenty implied (if you got pneumonia and died?)_

_I really can't stay (get over that hold out)  
Baby, it's cold  
Baby, it's cold outside_

Bob sat and stared at the machine for a long time, even as the needle finished and the arm returned itself to its support.

"_Pokay_?" That song was about as evil as Edith. Well, perhaps she was a bit more evil. He looked at his teddy and sighed. He's spent his allowance on this… this. He took the record from the player and shook it. "_Tatala bala tu_," he shouted.

"Bob?" Stuart walked in, his usual grumpy afternoon, pre-banana self. He walked to the water fountain and drew a glass of water. The glugging always made him smile a little. But only a little.

"_Bello_," Bob said, trying not to sound so disappointed.

Stuart knew Bob enough to see something was wrong, and since Christmas was nearing, he wanted to hedge his bets. "_Que esso?"_ He sounded sincere, even to himself.

Bob shook his head and returned the record to its sleeve. "_E__ le leaga_."

"É um recorde." Stuart turned the disc over in his hand.

"_Si._" So much for world domination, but he'd heard about it on a reputable talk show. They wouldn't lie on Jerry Springer. He was one of them.

Gru hung the brightly colored ornament on the branch of the tree and stood back to admire the view. His upside down reflection grinned back at him and he turned to look towards the couch where three of his minions were perched.

Bob laughed and nodded enthusiastically. Kevin sighed and looked less than impressed while Dave stuck his tongue out and gave his boss a thumbs down.

"Fine, you do it, then."

"Otay!" Kevin climbed down off the couch and started to root around in a box of ornaments. "Dave!" he snapped and the other minion grumbled, but joined him.

Gru started to leave the room, but felt the back of his sweater tugged. "Um, Boss?"

Gru had a special spot in his heart for Bob. Bob was the least likely of his minions to kill him in his sleep.

"Yes, Bob?"

Bob looked over at his two friends, who were arguing vehemently over something, and pointed to a quiet spot in the dining room.

Gru followed him and waited while the minion crawled his way up onto the sofa. From the bib of his overalls, he pulled out a record and handed it to Gru.

"What is this?" He put on his glasses and frowned. "_Baby, it's Cold Outside_," he read. "Why… why do you have this?"

"E_ le leaga."_

"Why would you think it was evil?"

"Jerry Springer," Margo said. "He saw it on Jerry Springer."

Gru looked over at his oldest daughter. In some ways, she was just a child, but in others, she was the adult of the household.

"I don't get it."

"The other day, someone was going on and on about how that song was evil and encouraged date rape, kidnapping, and that sort of stuff."

"And how do you know this? Why were you watching that evil wanna-be? He's not even good enough to be a villain."

Margo smiled sheepishly. "Um, I heard some kids talk about it at school?"

Gru thought raising daughters had to be the hardest job he'd even taken on, even when he was trying to steal the moon, which he did, only to surrender it to Vector for his girls.

"You do know he's wrong?"

Margo looked at Bob and nodded. "It's just a song. Words"

"Words have power, Margo. You do know you can talk to me about anything. There are no boys making you feel uncomfortable, are there? Like the man in the song?"

Bob sat up at that. The girls were family and no one messed with family. Why, Margo, Margo sewed Teddy's ear back on and she even used anesthesia.

"Margo, it is not fine to do something you feel uncomfortable or pressured about."

"I know. It just, well, the song sort of encourages girls to let guys strong arm them." She reached up and hugged Gru, smiling. "I know better and I know it's just a song. Besides, if I want someone to strong arm me, there's always Edith."

"True…"

Bob made a face and Margo held out a hand. "Come on, Bob, let go make some Christmas cookies." That's when she saw the tree. "Um, Gru the tree?"

The entire tree was covered with bananas and there was a circle of minions around it, humming softly and swaying.

"It made be cold outside, but inside, it's just right." Gru hugged his daughter and patted Bob's head.

Coo tay, Otay – Okay

Pukay – What?

Tatala bala tu – I hate you

Bello – hello

Que esso – what's going on?

e le leaga - it's not evil

É um recorde– it's a record.


End file.
